- Piston-engine airplanes in the movies are unusually
subject to engine failure. This failure mode is unique to
filmdom - engine coughs, keeps running. Hero doesn't
notice. Then it stutters, catches again. Hero notices,
taps gas gauge, turns lever. Then it stutters exactly
three times and stops immediately, including
propeller. No further efforts are ever made to restart.
- Only men are alcoholics. Any hopeless alcoholic can quit
drinking when faced with an important challenge. The
instant the alcoholic stops drinking, all his faculties
return and he faces no annoying withdrawals.
- If there is more than one or two of an alien race, they
are always roughly the same size as humans.
- Aliens usually speak english and have same
colloquialisms. planet.
- All members of alien species wear the same outfits,
including clothing, hairstyles, and jewelery. This makes
them readily identifiable. Aliens who do not dress like
aliens are hiding something.
- This may, in fact, be a consequence of the fact that
aliens all have single, monolithic cultures: one
language, one religion, one outfit, per planet.
- Bad guys will always get killed by a snake, while the
hero simply reaches out and picks it up with his bare
hands. (In addition, he will either break the reptile's
neck (?) or bite it's head off)
- Deadly reptiles will always attack a woman first, even if
she's in the presence of thirty men.
- Dogs always know who's bad, and bark at them.
- If the hero listens to his answering machine and one
important message is unexpected then he usually has two
very short messages on the tape before, one spoken by a
man, one by a women. "Here'a John! I see you
tomorrow at eight.".... beep ... "This is
Sallieeeeee! I'll call again later." ... beep ....
and then finally "Ahhhh! The killer is .....".
If however the message is expected be sure that it will
be the first one on the tape.
- Every time some guy walks into a bar, usually the hero,
he gets into a fight. Usually right under a BUDWEISER
sign (see "product placement"). Likelihood of
fight increases if country music is playing in the
background.
- Movie heroes in a bar will either order strong alcoholic
drinks and swallow them down like iced tea or will ask
for milk. The latter will always provoke sarcastic
remarks and a fight will ensue.
- When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and
they always drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they
will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. If they are
macho, they will wince briefly, flashing clenched teeth.
- A cup of black coffee/splash of cold water in face is
enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold
sober in a split second (see several thousand westerns,
and "Peter's Friends.")
- Whenever someone looks through the binoculars, you see
two joined circles instead of one.
- Glasses never collect moisture when you come in from the
cold outside.
- Computer geeks and "intelligent" persons use
them, action heros never have glasses.
- A villain will always commit murder right in front of the
window when someone with binoculars is watching.
- People are often exact duplicates of remote ancestors, or
of their parent at the same age.
- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
- Radiation causes mutation not to your future children,
but to you, there and then. Mutation is never immediately
fatal, but first either makes you into a formless blob,
or a functional creature with animal-like features.
- Interbreeding is genetically possible with any person or
creature from anywhere in the universe.
- Newborn babies can babble, crawl, and hold their heads
steady.
- People never cough, sneeze, blow their noses, or show any
other symptoms of being in less than perfect health.
- Only exception to the above is when they're dying. A
cough is a symptom of terminal illness.
- Menstruation is an unknown phenomenon in movies. Female
movie characters are all immune from it.
- You can eat as much as you want in a film and you'll
never EVER have to go to the bathroom.
- Vomit is portrayed by distant toilet flush. Nobody ever
throws-up on the carpet.
- Evil geniuses who devise bombs to destroy things/people
always have them detonate after at least an hour, giving
the hero ample time to defuse it.
- Bombs always have big, blinking, beeping timer displays.
Evil geniuses who devise bombs to destroy things/people
are always thoughtful enough to include a visible display
(usually LED) of how much time remains before the bomb
detonates, giving the hero accurate feedback on exactly
how much time remains.
- When you cut the wire to the detonator, the timer will
stop. You will not be able to do this, however, until
only one second remains.
- All wires have different colors, so the hero can easily
differentiate them when he has to cut the right one.
- Bombs detonated with microwave ovens always explode 2
seconds after the timer reaches 00:00 and the microwave
oven beeps (ex. "Under Siege").
- Explosions always happen in slow motion. When an
explosion occurs, make certain you are running away from
the point of detonation so the blast can send you flying,
in slow motion, toward the camera.
- A building that in real life would require several dozen
carefully placed explosive charges for demolition, can in
a movie be destroyed by a single bomb in a car trunk (see
"Lethal Weapon III"). This bomb will cause no
damage to any other building on the block.
.
- Movie passengers either don't pay cabs at all, or have
the exact change. Same is true in restaurants. Checks are
always designed to be 15 percent under the bills the male
costumer has in his hands first.
- Movie people can get cabs instantly, unless they are in
danger, whereupon no cab can be found
- Movie characters driving in the city will get to park
wherever they like when they get to their destination.
- When you are alone in the back seat of the car, make sure
you sit in the middle.
- Sudden accelleration of a car (be it forwards, backwards,
stopping, skidding, sliding, or whatever) causes a loud
skid, even on dirt or wet roads. Be prepared. Each wheel
is also fitted with a smoke device to let you know when
this happens. Hollywood cars are also special: when you
take off quickly, you always leave a skid mark for each
drive wheel, regardless of whether you have a limited
slip differential or not.
- Pedestrians in Hollywood have the world's best reactions,
so don't worry if you have to drive down a sidewalk. Mr
Pappodopolus is quite used to having his fruit cart
smashed, and despite his gesticulations and curses, he
always manages to get out of the way in time.
- There are always people carrying around large sheets of
glass on the street during a car chase.
- The person behind the wheel is talking to and looking at
their passenger for the entire journey without actually
looking at the _road_, changing gear, signalling etc.
(ex. "When Harry Met Sally").
- Cars chasing each other in the middle of a city will not
suffer enough damage to stop the chase.
- People being chased by a car will keep running down the
middle of the road instead of ducking in somewhere where
a car cannot go.
- A car will always explode when shot at, unless the hero
is driving it.
- When you drive a car, you can always recognize all the
persons you know that pass you in the opposite direction.
- If someone has "fixed" the foot-brakes in the
car, the driver never use the hand-brake and the gears to
slow down, at least not until the last moment.
- Cars often end up on cliff-edges with 2 wheels in the
open air. The good guys are saved just before the car
falls over, the bad guys join the car in the free fall,
often caused by a bird setting down on the part of the
car hanging over the edge.
- When a car falls off a cliff after a car chase, it
usually explodes before reaching the ground.
- When speeding cars hit a parked car, they fly up into the
air while the parked car doesn't even wiggle
- After a car crash, no movie character ever sits and
shakes for five minutes, or becomes incoherent with
shock.
- All cars seem to run on kerosene rather than gasoline
(hence the copious black smoke when they burn).
- Watch steering wheels in movie cars, especially in
"through the windshield looking at the driver"
shots. 9 times out of 10, the spokes of the wheel, which
one would think should be horizontal, or close to it, are
vertical, i.e., one can see one of the wheel spokes
vertical, above the dash, in front of the driver's face,
even when he's driving straight.
- Whenever you see someone driving, even on straight and
smooth roads, they are sawing at the wheel hard enough to
be running an obstacle course. The car doesn't swerve at
all, of course. The amount of excess wheel-twisting is
independent of speed.
- Not only do movie cars always park right in front, but
they are never locked. Even convertibles with their tops
down, in NYC, are still there hours later.
- Movie cars have all excellent brakes and can come to a
full stop from 80 MPH (with loud screeches, even on dirt
roads) in 20 ft.
- There's never an annoying wind disturbing the coiffures
of convertible passengers.
- There are no stop signs in movie land. Wherever you have
to drive, no matter how close or far away it is, you
never have to stop before you get there.
- Film cars do not have inside rear-view mirrors. Most of
them do, however, have an appx 1" gray spot on the
inside of the windshield where the mirror would normally
mount.
- Film cars never start the first time when you're running
away from the bad guy.
- If there is a large bump in a downhill road, speeding
cars will always fly over them and hit the ground in
shower of sparks. An interior view will then show the
reaction of the passengers at the moment of impact. They
will not be injured, even if they are not wearing safety
belts. No tire damage, broken axles, or suspension
failures will occur as a result of the impact. The car
will then execute a sharp left turn at the bottom of the
hill. Losing a hubcap at this point will be optional.
- Any time you see a really nice, snazzy foreign car or a
great old car like a 65 mustang, you know it's going to
be smashed into a million pieces.
- All too many times a Hollywood car chase will be
interupted by the emergence of a semi from a driveway,
alley, or street, resulting in the escape of the hunted,
or the death of an expendable character.
- Police cars involved in chase scenes usually tend to
suffer more than any other vehicles- they have head on
collisions, smash parked cars, fall into water, and of
course, experience the ever popular flying-roll, causing
the car to land upside down and crush the lights and
siren. Usually, we never get to see the unlucky police
force member before or after the inevitable accident.
- A car that crashes will always explode in a ball of
flames, but not until the hero can pull the important
passengers to safety, and yell, "Watch out! She's
gonna blow!"
- Acid applied by the villain to the hero's brake lines
never has any effect unless the car is heading down a
steep, winding road. Cars at traffic lights have
invujlnerable brake lines.
- No one ever runs out of gas (even in long car chases).
Corollary: every stolen car has a full gas tank and gets
great gas mileage.
- Vintage cars are always 100% immaculate and freshly
polished. They never have any scratches, dents or
repairs.
- No one fumbles for car keys right before a car chase.
they always jump right in and start the car up because
they've left the keys in the ignition. Not a great idea
in any major city.
- Woman falls to the ground whilst being chased by a bad
guy, even when running over level, unobstructed terrain.
Note that when a man and woman are being chased, usually
the woman falls, then the man pauses and helps her up.
- Corollaries to the above:
- Man will then continue to run with woman, holding
her by the hand or preferably upper arm, even
though this takes them both below the speed
either one could make on their own.
- All movie women must be pulled along by their
hands, even if the male puller is short & fat
and the woman is a track star.
- All movie women try to run in heels, never
stopping to kick them off.
- Women not only have to be pulled along, they do not have
enough sense to run and keep running unless a man touches
her elbow, holds her hand or puts his arm around her
shoulders.
- Chasees will always stop to throw obstacles (trash cans,
lumber, chairs) in their pursuers' way. No matter that
they take three times as long to dump the obstacles as it
takes the chasers to simply jump over them.
- GOOD Chess players are always portrayed as upper class.
(Go to any tournament and see how many rich guys there
are there. NONE! They're too busy chasing women and
driving fast cars to play chess.)
- Chess players in movies are always all around brilliant
and charming people. (With very few exceptions, REAL
chess players are introverted and so involved with chess
they have little time to WASTE pursuing anything as
trivial as LOVE, A PROFESSION, or SOCIAL GRACES.
Exception: Computers! Most Chess players are, or will
become, Computer nurds).
- Great Chess players are always honored to play on some
rich guy's fancy Philipino Art Set. (In reality, better
players are almost always adament about playing on a
plain, unadorned wood or plastic "Staunton"
set. No red or blue pieces, no ceramic or metal, no
elephants for rooks.)
- The board is usually set up wrong, with the black square
at the players lower right, or with one or both of the
King/Queen set up backwards. (WHITE SQUARE GOES ON THE
PLAYERS RIGHT. QUEENS on thier own color: white QUEEN on
white, black QUEEN on black.)
- Supposedly brilliant players usually miss one move
checkmates in critical games. This is akin to a
professional race car driver backing his station wagon
into the garage door.
- On the other hand, good players are often portrayed as
seeing 15 or 20 moves ahead in detail from a middle game,
when there are still many pieces on the board. (One could
more easily predict the next president and all 535
congressmen correctly before the election. In the End
Game, when the number of pieces is limited, looking ahead
often becomes a question of counting moves, who can get
to the critical square first, or of very limited numbers
of moves, and is more feasible.)
- Beginners usually beat experienced players, as a
mechanism for showing the neophyte's native brilliance.
(This is about as common as a tall, athletic man who's
never seen a basketball beating an NBA player in
one-on-one. It could happen, if the pro had a really bad
day, but who would you bet on?)
- Players who are really behind (have lost more pieces)
come up with brilliant ways to win anyway. (If they're so
good, how did they get behind in the first place?)
- Male characters generally are cold-natured. They need to
wear jeans and leather jackets when the female characters
are comfortable in cutoffs and a halter top.
- Heroes are the exception to the above. He often is more
comfortable in extreme cold after losing his coat or
having the shirt ripped from his back. When this is not
true (Cliffhanger), swimming in ice water helps.
- Whenever anyone knocks out anyone else and takes their
clothes, it's always a flawless fit.
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long
sentences.
- Movie character never make typing mistakes.
- All monitors display inch-high letters.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA,
or some such governmental institution, will have easy to
understand graphical interfaces.
- Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases
command shells that can correctly understand and execute
commands typed in plain english.
- Corollary: you can gain access to any information you
want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET
FILES" on any keyboard
- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive
virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see
"Fortress")
- All computers are connected. You can access the
information on the villain's desktop computer, even if
it's turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or
whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow
down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go
faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also
emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash
pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are
indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of
sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without
saving the data.
- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the
world before intermission and guess the secret password
in two tries.
- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see
"Demolition Man" and countless others).
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data
will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems
usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two
gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all
the control panels will explode, as will the entire
building.
- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes
the file, it also disappears from the screen (e.g Clear
and Present Danger).
- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automagically
asked for a password when you try to access it.
- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be
readable by any system you put it into. All application
software is usable by all computer platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has
(Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly
trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic
graphics capability.
- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have
amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the
performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so
bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see
"Alien", "2001").
- Two people will often converse while one stares out the
window, with their back to the other. When an emotional
point is made, the first person will turn around.
- When you go to rob a bank in a film, you will always
choose the teller who has just started his or her first
day on the job.
- In situations like the Vietnem war, and violent inner
city neighborhoods, the person with the most plans,
prospects, and hopes will die.
- A dying person's last words will always be coherent and
significant.
- A good person will always die in the presence of friends.
- If a person good person dies with his eyes open, a friend
will close them, and they will remain closed. If a
villain dies with his eyes open, no one will close them,
and the camera will linger on his face.
- (see also VILLAINS)
- The hero and heroine in love always get a great table in
a restaurant, even in New York City at lunch on Saturday
(When Harry Met Sally).
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